


The Secrets Our Shadows Keep

by Quillgrayson



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:47:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27551776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quillgrayson/pseuds/Quillgrayson
Summary: Following the events of Burning Sun, Seungri reflects on his life and how the decisions he made led him here. The rest of the members of Big Bang are confronted with Seungri's secrets and must decide if their relationship with him is worth salvaging.*Please see notes for further disclaimers*
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	1. The Secrets Our Shadows Keep

**Author's Note:**

> This story was fueled by desperate quarantine boredom and is in no way meant to be a reflection of my true opinions on Seungri or the Burning Sun Scandal. It is in no way meant to make light of the situation or downplay the atrocities committed by Jung Joon Young and the other members of the molka chat.
> 
> This is not intended to create sympathy towards Seungri or provide an excuse for his actions.
> 
> This story adheres to my thematic style as an author, focusing on heavy concepts, and contains graphic depictions of non-consensual scenes (including underage characters), substance abuse, depression, etc.
> 
> That being said, I recognize the potential connotations of having written something with this subject and am uploading it with the understanding that if the reactions are overwhelmingly negative I will remove it.

As the first month of the year drew to a close, the past twelve fell quiet. Everything that transpired felt like a distant memory. Unreal. Thirteen years spent as the kings of Kpop meant nothing now, overshadowed by the hours spent in police stations giving report after report on things Seungri barely understood. He couldn’t help but think back on the lies his fellow businessmen had fed him for the past ten years.

Was it worth it? All the time spent schmoozing with CEOs and investors, following the path Yang HyunSuk had set him on as a child. The time he could have spent with his members wasted away trying to live up to the expectations of his fellow bussinessmen. But as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20. He did what he could to salvage things, leaving BigBang and YGEntertainment as early as he did, pulling the attention from the members onto himself. Damage control was his specialty, but there was no containing this disaster.

Seungri’s involvement was only the surface of what had transpired behind closed doors. Everything he’d hidden from his members was multiplied tenfold by the secrets his acquaintances had hidden from him. He had his own long list of crimes, but the endless hours of police questioning revealed things that churned Seungri’s stomach, paralyzed him with how little he really knew about the world he’d been living in. His heart ached for the people who’d become victims around him, for the betrayal he felt from the people he’d called friends, and for the terrible things his members must be thinking about him now.

_“Hyungs…  
This message isn’t to beg your forgiveness. I know the things I chose to involve myself in have caused irreparable damage to the image we’ve worked hard to build. I did my best to minimize the consequences for you all, but it does nothing to change the fact that I broke your trust. I’m ashamed by how much I took your love and support for granted all this time. I have no excuse for how I’ve behaved, especially after the countless warnings I received from you all._

_Many of the things you’ve heard about me from the media are true. I got wrapped up in business, making money my top priority. I knew it was wrong, but I did those things. Embezzlement. Mediating prostitution. Gambling. All those things are true. I knew what kinds of things JoonYoung and the others were thinking about and stupidly thought they’d stopped before things became… what they became. I was too much of a coward to see it.  
I’m sorry for how I’ve hurt you all. Please don’t burden yourselves with thoughts of me anymore. BigBang is four now, how it was supposed to be from the start.  
_  
One last text sent to the group chat.

Arriving at home from his last meeting with the police, his brain buzzed with memories from the past decade and a half. Looking back on his time with BigBang, it was the happiest he’d ever been. How could he be so blind to that? Why could he never bring himself to live in the moment and be grateful for things he had? Why did he always have to live for more, always looking forward? Always gunning for the next thing...

Whatever tragic question that popped into his head, he knew the answer without a second’s hesitation. He was a coward. Just like he said in his text. He was a coward and always had been. Seungri- No. Lee Seunghyun. He was a coward. Seungri was a fabrication, the person he became to forget about Lee Seunghyun’s fears. Seungri was the version of him that was brave, the version of him that could stand on a stage and hold his head high and smile brightly. Seunghyun was the scared child that arrived at YG as a new trainee. Seunghyun was the one that couldn’t sleep at night, couldn’t look people in the eyes- Couldn’t see the demons around him for what they were, because he was afraid of realizing how many there really were.

Seunghyun was a coward. Seungri was his brave face. But wearing a mask doesn’t change who’s hiding underneath. No matter how hard he worked to forget his fears, they still pulled his strings from the shadows. His cowardice left a path of destruction behind him that he could only see now that he was forced to turn back and look for the first time in his life. With no future, all Seungri had left was his past.

~

The first day as an official YG trainee had finally come. Working under one of the greats, a former member of Seo Taiji and The Boys- it was a dream come true. If anyone could teach him to be a great dancer, it was Yang HyunSuk. 

Seunghyun had been confident in his dance skills, but actually being here? Having his entire life ride on that ability- he wasn’t so sure. Maybe he was in over his head. Maybe he was overestimating himself like always. Every other trainee here had dreams of becoming great. In Gwangju, he had only fellow street dancers to outshine. In Seoul, he had a dozen experienced trainees competing against him for HyunSuk’s attention.

Seunghyun pushed himself to his limits and beyond. Vocal training pulled him apart at his seams. The instructors had no problem telling him exactly how bad he was, how his voice cracked, how small his range was, how his accent disrupted the flow of the song. Everything was brought up and dissected. Dance practice was no different. Practice ran on longer than Seunghyun was used to, showing him just how little endurance he really had. He was determined to work hard, but after two hours of nonstop dancing, his body just wouldn’t move right anymore.

The hours passed slowly. The days dragged on. The weeks blurred together. Months felt like hell. No matter how hard he tried, Seunghyun only felt more exhausted with each day. The other trainees grew cold to him, refusing to talk to him, to even acknowledge his presence at each class. He heard the comments dripping in hate as he passed by-

_“He’s so lazy-”  
“Always gives up during practice-”  
“Does he think he can get by with that attitude?”  
“What’s he even doing here?”  
“He’ll get dropped from the company soon enough…” _

Every day beat him down that much further. He didn’t smile anymore. There was nothing to laugh about. No one there was his friend, no one cheered him on. He considered going back to Gwangju, but the idea of abandoning his dream hurt more than bearing the loneliness of training. The only relief he felt was the monthly review when Yang HyunSuk would oversee their practices and give critique for their performances. Even though it came with it’s own hardships, Seunghyun noticed how HyunSuk’s eyes followed him more than the others.

~

Seungri’s enlistment date was days away. With what little free time remained, he’d busied himself with preparing for the worst. He got rid of as many belongings as possible, putting anything truly important into a storage unit. His apartment was so bare, his footsteps echoed off the walls as he walked. All that really remained now were the things he’d be taking with him to the military, save for a couple stray boxes that were waiting to be put in storage.

They were the hardest to say goodbye to. The first time he sorted through them, Seungri thought he should just throw them away. They were remnants of his time in BigBang after all. Clothes he’d been allowed to keep from video filming and photoshoots, paper banners and letters collected from fans, his personal microphone, polaroid photos taken with the members over the years. At the top of one box was a photo of all the trainees that had lasted to the end of the first month.

It was the most shocking thing he found while packing up the apartment. Seungri thought he’d long since trashed everything from his trainee days, not holding particularly fond memories for that time. He held the picture up, trying to remember the names of the other boys. Considering how long he spent living and practicing with them, Seungri should have been able to remember, but nothing came to mind. The only familiar faces were those of his members.

They were so young, sporting embarrassing haircuts and exhausted smiles. A lot of them had become so beaten down by this point, carried by determination alone. Jiyong stood in the middle of the group, the only one who’s smile looked genuine. Even through the endless days and sleepless nights, Jiyong always shone brightly among the other trainees. Seungri frowned at the picture, his mind filling with memories of the person he’d admired for so long.

Even when Seungri felt he hated the other trainees, even when his heart had filled with so much disdain for his life, he’d always looked at Jiyong differently. He was someone Seungri could look up to, aspire to be like, someone who inspired everyone around him to work harder. Even though Jiyong was no different in avoiding Seungri, he didn’t resent him for it like he did the others. When Jiyong swore under his breath at Seungri, he forced himself to stand back up and keep practicing.

Before he knew it, Seungri had his phone in hand, his thumb hovering over Jiyong’s name in the kakao app. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d even spoken to this hyung, too busy with his own life before the first scandal broke, and too ashamed to message him any time after. He knew he shouldn’t, but Seungri had always struggled with self control and doing the right thing.

_“Hyung.  
I know you don’t want to talk to me...” _

The words glared back at him. What was he even trying to say? If Jiyong wanted to talk to him, he would have by now. Why bother?

_“I know what I did was unforgivable...”_

That much was obvious. Why even mention it.

_“I know I don’t deserve it, but...”_

There was no good way to start a message he shouldn’t even be sending. He kept erasing his words and starting over, desperate to find what he wanted to say.

_“I’m struggling to find the words. I’m leaving for service soon and I can’t help but message you before I go. I know I may never be part of your life again, I accept that. It’s too late for this to be worth much, but your friendship meant a lot to me. I was careless with it, thinking nothing could ever happen that would break that bond. You never need to forgive me, but I won’t forget your words of encouragement and support as I work hard to become a better person.”_

The dreaded date came in the blink of an eye.His alarm whined loudly and his eyes opened in protest, his head pounding from the hangover that would follow him all day. He dressed quickly, slinging his duffle bag over his shoulder and departing from the now empty apartment. Before he knew it, the car was pulling up to the entrance of the training center, a small crowd of reporters and even fewer fans gathered in anticipation of his arrival. Soon, he would be nothing more than a beige uniform, lost in the faces of a dozen others. His trainee days echoed again in his ears.

_“Seungri-yah…  
I received your text when you sent it. I wanted to think of the perfect reply, but…” _

The notification appeared in his phone, like a mockery, knowing in mere minutes he’d be unable to even open it. The buzz of the crowd grew nearer and nearer. Seungri’s heart pounded in his chest, the future pressing down on him faster than he could follow. He was still deciding if he should open the text as the door of his car opened. He was still trying to remember the names of his fellow trainees as he stepped out in front of the crowd. His heart pounded with the anxiety of recalling his debut stage as he walked past the gates and into his future as a soldier.


	2. How Our Past Selves Hate Who We've Become

After thirteen years in Bigbang, and a lifetime of living in the industry, Jiyong thought he’d faced every hardship there was to face. Military service never scared him. It was part of life, something he’d always accepted and only considered in relation to his career. When should he go? When was an ideal time to take a two year long hiatus? How should he and his fellow members organize going?

But when it came to enlistment day, Jiyong found himself lost. Lost like his first day at public school, lost like his first day in Roo’ra, like his first class as a YG trainee, like his first concert as BigBang. His anxiety hid like a snake in the grass, blending into its surroundings and disappearing from the mind, only rearing its head to remind Jiyong how utterly alone and unprepared he was for the next chapter of his life.

Boot camp was… well… Jiyong thought he was prepared for the physical demand of being a soldier. He was an idol after all. He had to stay fit, have the energy to be on stage, to stay in shape, to be skinny and muscular and attractive and…. Boot camp was nothing like that.

There was no manager to remind him to eat only half his meals. No stylist to remind him not to snack. No physical trainer to direct him to only the machines that optimized muscle mass. Suddenly he was thrust into a brand new world. This world where he ate full meals. This world where he slept more than three hours a night. This world where he exercised for strength, not for appearance. This world where no one cared, for the first time in his entire life, who Kwon Jiyong was. He was a soldier, and nothing more.

Fellow soldiers knew who he was, but in the thick of training, no one cared. The excitement of an idol joining their ranks died quickly. His trainee days played back in the darkness when he closed his eyes. They echoed in his brain as his instructor barked orders. They pulled at his muscles as he pushed through the mud and the rain and the unforgiving rays of the sun as he trudged through training. 

The mental determination meant nothing at almost thirty years old. As a trainee, he could push himself to the furthest limits of the human body. At twenty-nine years old, his muscles were merciless. He woke each morning paralysed with pain and exhaustion. Determination would not carry him through the next two years. Nothing would carry him. He was on his own here, no reputation to put him ahead, no experience to prepare him. Boot camp was unknown waters and he was a castaway. 

With nothing else for reference, Jiyong put in his all as he did when he first joined YG. And failed comedically. Before he knew it, Jiyong found himself in the infirmary, recovering from a vicious ankle injury, as well as a severe case of dehydration and malnourishment. His hardships in boot camp were only beginning. Halfway through service, Jiyong had more than a dozen articles written about his ‘privilege’ in the military. Reputation always outshined reality. No one cared to see how he was struggling, only how he was supposedly benefiting. 

It’s funny how history seems to repeat itself. Each transitional period brought to light how cruel people can be to each other. The industry pit trainee versus trainee, artist versus artist. School pit student against student. Even now in the military, it seemed to be soldier against soldier. Jiyong minded his business, woke up when his alarm went off, went to cantine for meals, showed up for training, followed instructions. Even through the glaring side glances and searing SNS reports, time flew by and the light at the end of the tunnel grew near.

The end of another era came to a close, and for the first time in two years, Jiyong laid down in his own bed and let out a sigh of relief. He hadn’t thought this far ahead, things had changed so much in his absence, the future was as uncertain as it had ever been. With the year-long scandal that followed his younger friend, Jiyong could do nothing but live life quietly while he waited. He wasn’t sure what he was waiting for, but he figured he’d know it when it came.  
Life continued whether Jiyong was ready for it or not. He directed his focus on meeting the new CEO of YG, deciding the future of BigBang going forward with four members. He focused on making art and visiting with his family. More than anything, he focused on not thinking about visiting Seungri. The man was still being investigated, court date pending, and as much Jiyong was dying to talk to him directly and find out for himself what really happened, the group would not survive the scandal if he was caught meeting with Seungri.

He reread the last message to the group chat over and over, reopening it every week or so just to recall what was said. When he received a direct message from Seungri, he did the same thing, wondering if he should reply, wondering what he’d say if he did. The images of Seungri going to and from the police station mixed with Jiyong’s memory of how he looked when they first met as kids. He still couldn’t wrap his mind around how completely that loud, obnoxious kid had changed into this unrecognizable man.

~

Training at YG was no different from training at SM. At least, not different for Jiyong. Differences never stood out much to him. Dancing with Roo’ra, going to school, meeting with vocal trainer after vocal trainer, the downpour of advice from various dancers- His entire life was spent going through the motions as an entertainer. Anyone who’d spent as long as he had in the industry would understand.

The road to the stage was the same no matter what route you took. The only difference was the voices demanding your attention. At SM, it was Park Seungwon, the lead dance instructor who pulled no punches in criticizing Jiyong’s routine. At YG, it was Song Haebyung, the manager that scheduled every second of the trainees’ day and ridiculed them mercilessly for showing up even a second late.

The only change that ever caught Jiyong’s attention was his fellow trainees. Most of the ones at YG followed instruction down to the tiniest detail, terrified to stray for even a second. Seunghyun was the exception. The new one, not the tall boy Jiyong knew from before. Lee Seunghyun, the boy with the thick Gwangju accent and the attitude to match. This one argued, he slept through his alarms, he showed up late and slacked in classes and told the other trainees to leave him alone.

Six long years of kids hanging their heads, leaving for home one after another. Close to debut, Jiyong and Youngbae were prepared to be a duo rap unit. They’d talked about it excitedly for at least a year, only to have their hopes and dreams dismantled by the announcement that they’d be joined by three others. Taeyang had been social enough through their trainee years, making friends effortlessly. But for Jiyong, the new members felt like nothing more than a burden.

The self-designated T.O.P. couldn’t be argued, Jiyong himself talked him into the company. Even the overly-bubbly Daesung couldn’t be reckoned with, his vocal prowess blowing every other trainee out of the water. But the other Seunghyun- the one Jiyong couldn’t Stand to be around for even a moment. How on earth did he make it to the final cut? It was a miracle he made it past the first year, but to be granted a position in YG’s first official group- it didn’t make sense.

This lazy, argumental, temperamental, entitled child, let in on his dance skills alone- it was an insult to all the other boys who’d been disqualified over the years. Jiyong could barely believe his ears when HyunSuk had announced the final lineup. But things were as they were, and Jiyong was the last person to argue with those in charge. The lineup had been decided and that was that. All that was left to do was come together as a group and do their best to live up to the expectations.

~

_“Please don’t burden yourselves with thoughts of me anymore. BigBang is four now, how it was supposed to be from the start.”_

The message had rooted itself in Top’s brain, making the stories he’d been hearing all year finally feel real. He’d tried so hard to block it all out. He told himself that everything would be fine eventually, that BigBang had survived so much, they could survive this too. The words Seungri wrote marked a change. He’d left the group and said his goodbye. It didn’t seem fair.

It wasn’t that Top believed Seungri was innocent, that he wasn’t involved in the things he said he was involved in. It was just that… Top never blamed Seungri for the way he was. Unlike Seungri, Top was an overly observant person. Top noticed everything. He noticed the way Seungri looked at HyunSuk differently after they were announced as a group. He noticed when Seungri showed up to practices late. He noticed how he wasn’t around when HyunSuk had meetings with investors. He noticed how HyunSuk urged Seungri to take an interest in the business side of the industry.

Seungri was passionate about dancing. He loved being an idol. The more HyunSuk groomed him to run companies, the more Seungri forgot himself. He was the most like himself when they were wrapped up in their schedules, away from YG and away from HyunSuk. Top was angry at Seungri, he wasn’t a child incapable of making his own decisions, but more than anything he was angry at HyunSuk. The Lee Seunghyun that arrived at YG at thirteen years old to become a dancer was not the Lee Seungri that embezzled money from his companies and hired prostitutes to party with crime lords.

~

Youngbae’s discharge ceremony was wrought with loyal VIPs desperate for his attention, sending him well-wishes, welcoming him back to civilian life, and, inevitably, desperate with questions about Seungri. Youngbae answered as best he could, unsure of how he felt himself. Seungri’s final words to the group had haunted him through his final months in the service. Busy with his own duties, it was difficult to keep up on what was happening outside, but rumours leaked in.

He could hardly believe the things he heard. No matter how much they’d worried in the past, no matter what path Seungri seemed to be on throughout the years, he never truly believed their youngest would wind up here. Faced with the reality, all he could do was default to PR responses. Pushing through the crowd, greeting his fans, doing his best to keep them happy, eventually he was free to go home to his wife.

Home was quiet. Familiar. Comfortable. SNS articles couldn’t reach him there and Seungri’s name and scandals could be forgotten for a single peaceful moment. Hyorin’s company was all he needed to forget the pressures he’d juggled for countless years. He’d read Seungri’s final message a couple days into being home, but nearly two weeks passed before he read the messages from everyone else.

_[G-Yongie] I guess everything’s official now…  
[T.O.P.] BigBang is four… Those jokes didn’t age well…  
[G-Yongie] Tell me about it. What are we supposed to do now?  
[T.O.P.] Throw eggs at Seungri’s car?  
[G-Yongie] Not totally against that idea._

_[D-Lite] I can’t believe he had the nerve to message us after that. Are we supposed to feel bad for him?  
[G-Yongie] If he was looking for pity he wouldn’t have left the chat.  
[D-Lite] Just like him. Always has to have the final word.  
[G-Yongie] Don’t act like you’re not going to miss him.  
[D-Lite] I’m not. He made his bed.  
[T.O.P.] What kind of bed did you make with your building scandal  
[D-Lite] Are you really comparing my building being investigated to EVERYTHING Seungri did?  
[T.O.P.] No, I just missed you ;)  
[D-Lite] >:(  
[G-Yongie] This sucks. I hate this.  
[T.O.P.] Me too._

_[YB] So did everyone decide on egging Seungri’s car, or…?  
[G-Yongie] It’s the only idea that’s been pitched, I’m open to others  
[T.O.P.] But I already bought all these eggs  
[D-Lite] I heard he’s supposed to go in for questioning again tomorrow.  
[G-Yongie] Yeah. And he re-enlisted.  
[D-Lite] Seriously? Who’d he pay off to get out of going to jail  
[T.O.P.] He’s probably going to face military court  
[YB] Ruthless  
[G-Yongie] Guess we’ll find out eventually._

_[T.O.P.] Seungri’s enlisting tomorrow, last chance to egg his car.  
[D-Lite] We could egg him at the training center  
[YB] Can you imagine the articles they’d write about us?  
[G-Yongie] Did Seungri message any of you?  
[T.O.P.] No  
[YB] Nope  
[D-Lite] Did he message you??  
[G-Yongie] Yeah, a few days ago…  
[T.O.P.] What’d he say?  
[G-Yongie] Just that he appreciated my friendship and would try to be a better person  
[D-Lite] Does he think he’s still friends with you?  
[D-Lite] And not with us?  
[G-Yongie] He said he wasn’t expecting me to respond. I think he was just getting nervous about enlisting.  
[D-Lite] He should be. _


	3. Whispers From Forgotten Ghosts

Five weeks of training. Seunghyun was glad he’d hit the gym in the months leading up to his enlistment. Being an idol was a different kind of work out, and Seunghyun hadn’t been active as an idol in over a year. Boot camp was intense, it reminded him of being a trainee. Long days, no one talked to each other much, every day felt new and weird. It was almost comforting.

Being away from the spotlight was good for him. That world had sucked Seunghyun in and spat him out raw. The longer he spent focusing on his training, the more he recognized who he was. This world didn’t give a shit about The Great Seungri. It didn’t care about his money or his reputation or how well he could answer a question in front of a dozen cameras. For the first time in a long while, he was seen as he was.

Which was a really out of shape 29 year old man prone to fits of frustration.

At the end of the five weeks, instead of transferring into his active duty service right away, Seunhyun still faced the decision of the military court system. As his fellow trainees departed to their various positions for the next 20 months, Seunghyun left for his final court hearing. He’d already prepared himself for the worst, expecting a dishonourable discharge from the military and ten years in prison. It didn’t make the trip any less anxiety-inducing. 

As he waited for his case to be called, he was allowed one final phone call between training and what should have been his assigned service. Deciding who to call didn’t take more than a second. He only had one number memorized.

“Hello?” The voice answered after three or four rings.

“Hyung… It’s Seung-... Seunghyun…”

“Oh.” The voice sounded hesitant. “Aren’t you in service?”

“I am. I finished training, I’m… Well I’m about to go to my court hearing. I was allowed to make a phone call before I go in.”

“You called me?”

Seunghyun hesitated, worried Jiyong would hang up on him. “I’m sorry, I know I said pretty much everything there was to say when I texted you… It’s just… I’m really nervous.”

“Ah… I see.” Jiyong was quiet. He usually was, but Seunghyun could tell the difference.

“I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t mean anything to you now. I’m sorry to bother you after all this. I being selfish again, I shouldn’t have called you.” Seunghyun took a deep breath, willing himself not to crack. “I won’t bother you again after this. I just wanted to hear your voice one last time.”

“Seunghyun-ah…” Jiyong always sounded so composed, even in times like this. “Good luck.”

Before Seunghyun could respond, the guard signaled him to finish. He said his last goodbyes, rushed and unsure of himself in response to Jiyong’s words, but with no time to think- He couldn’t remember what he even said as soon as he’d hung up. In the blink of an eye, Lee Seunghyun was standing amidst the court officials, dozens of eyes boring holes through his skin, willing him to say anything that would criminalize himself just so they could sentence him to a lifetime in prison.

After months of police interrogations, Seunghyun could sail through the hearing without thinking. Every question they could ask him, he’d already answered a dozen times. Every bit of evidence they threw at him, he’d already seen and rehearsed responses to. If anything, the interrogations only served to prep him for this. It felt no different than a press hearing for a new comeback. He stood confidently, spoke clearly, and let the shell he created take over for him one last time.

It wasn’t Lee Seunghyun on the stand, but The Great Seungri, and he had prepared for nearly two decades for anything the court could throw at him. There was no shaking Seungri’s confidence, no rattling his composure. If a dozen Dispatch reporters grilling him about a drug scandal couldn’t bring him to his knees, a dozen suits grilling him on questions he’d spent the last year answering weren’t going to.

As the proceedings came to a close, all that was left was to wait for the jury to deliberate. Lee Seungri was confident in his performance, certain he’d get off scot free like he always did. Lee Seunghyun was less than certain, just waiting for the jurors to come back with the harshest sentence they can get away with. And the longer the jury was out, the less Seungri held his confidence and the more Seunghyun wrought his hands with worry.

Seunghyun had forsaken every second of his entire life to face this moment. This weighing of heart against feather. The hawks filed in and took their spots, unafraid to cast glimpses at their prey as their chosen remained standing to speak for them. Seunghyun’s heart leapt into his throat, nearly choking him as he forced his eyes to look straight ahead, resolute to keep his composure to the very end. Just like he learned from Jiyong. No matter how bad things look, he will stay calm and accept whatever comes his way. He reminded himself over and over that he’d prepared himself for this moment, that a guilty sentence was certain, and prison was only a matter of time.

He forced his breathing to stay steady. Refused to give in to the compulsion to lick his lips, no matter how dry his mouth was getting. He kept his hands at his side, resisting the urge to wipe the sweat off onto his suit. Composure. It was the only thing he had left in the world. And he would cling to it to his death. It was all he had left to focus on. Every moment of the last year led up to this precise moment and he _would not crack now._

So lost in his own determination, he missed the jury’s decision. All he remembered was the sudden rise in chatter of the court’s audience, the loud bang of the gavel, notebooks slamming shut, briefcases shutting, doors swinging open again-

“What did they say-?” Seunghyun stuttered over his words, confused as Ahn Dogyum pulled him away from where he had been standing for hours.  
He said nothing.

“Where are we going?” His words were drowned out as the court emptied.

Every member of the court, every guest attendee, the entire court poured out into the halls, finally free to go home as court was adjourned. Seunghyun resolved himself to silence as he followed Dogyum out of the room, down the hall, and out into the onslaught of reporters with their microphones and cameras. For the first time, he was at a loss of words. The questions raining down on him fell on deaf ears. He still didn’t know what the jury said, where he was going, what was happening. He could only assume he was on his way to police transport to whatever prison would be his home for the next twenty years.

And yet, once they fought their way through the reporters, Seunghyun found himself in a military car, next to his only friend (if that’s what you could call him) for the past several months, who was handing him his personal cell phone.

“If you have anyone you wanna update, now’s the time. You picked Public Service right?” Dogyum spoke quickly in a thick Busan accent now that they weren’t in court. “Guess you didn’t make the cut. DMZ, right? That’s okay too, you’re not right on frontlines. What, translation duties or something? Whatever it is, better than going to jail, right? You should thank me, you know, I worked really hard on your case. Harder than most cases I’ve had. I saved your ass, you’re just gonna stay silent like that?”

Seunghyun hadn’t moved, still holding the cell phone out where it was handed to him. “Wh-... What did they say?”

“Huh? Who?”

“The jurors… What was…” Seunghyun looked up to meet Dogyum’s gaze.

“Weren’t you listening? You’re free to go, asshole. Innocent.”

~

The news of Seungri’s final verdict broke like a storm. Within hours, every media outlet was running stories about the decision. The internet blew up with articles, netizens quick to spill their guts in the comment section about what was either the biggest victory or the worst moment of injustice depending on what side of the war you stood on. The videos of Seungri emerging from the courthouse were the biggest source of interest. After a year of pictures and videos of Seungri seeming impartial to the investigation, confident in himself, or just plain annoyed by the whole process- the sight of the once great idol looking lost and confused as his lawyer dragged him through the crowd of reporters sent everyone’s mind whirling.

And that was that. The Great Seungri case was finally concluded. The next anyone would hear from him would be at the end of the year when he could take his first personal leave. Until then, the ex-idol would stay out of the public gaze, stationed in some office along the DMZ. In the midst of the pandemic, his name was lost and forgotten as people turned their attention to more pressing news. Seungri’s era ended and a new one was beginning. There were only four people left in the world that still uttered his name.  
 _  
[YB] You talked to him before he went into court?  
[G-Yongie] Only for a minute.  
[YB] Did he say anything? He looked weird in that video.  
[G-Yongie] He just said he was nervous and needed to hear my voice again.  
[YB] Thought he was facing a life in prison, and still only cared about one person.  
[G-Yongie] What do you mean?  
[YB] You were always Seungri’s favourite. His beloved Oppa ;)  
[G-Yongie] Ha  
[G-Yongie] You make it sound like he was in love with me  
[YB] ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)  
[G-Yongie] Stop sending wink emoticons!  
[YB] :(   
_  
Things seemed to go back to normal. The four remaining members met up from time to time for company meetings, got back in touch with the other YG artists, started making plans for the future again. It was like nothing had changed. The world turned upside down for a year and a half and still managed to land back in place.

~

The ticking of the clock on the wall behind Seungri tunneled into his brain, a constant reminder of how slowly time seemed to pass in his tiny office. The stack of files beside him never seemed to shrink. Always more reports to go over, scan into the computer, translate, review for errors. A million signatures a day, a millions stamps authorizing file after file. He could barely tell the difference between the documents in English, Japanese, and Korean. His eyes ached and the characters blurred together.

With his position, Seungri hardly ever saw anyone. He worked weird hours, leaving the barracks before anyone else woke and going home before anyone else finished their shifts. It was ideal to him, he didn’t want to see anyone anyways. The questioning stares and accusatory glances were enough to drive anyone insane. He knew he didn’t deserve the verdict he got, he didn’t need every person he encountered reminding him of it.

Pulling the next file down from the pile, he flipped to the first page to see a familiar face. Some high ranking political official named Moon Taewon. He held a city counsel position, but Seungri knew him as a business investor. He hadn’t seen him in over a decade, hell, he’d nearly forgotten he existed. He tried hard enough anyways. Just looking down at the photo was enough to make him sick. Taewon had aged considerably, lost most of his hair and the skin around his eyes and mouth sagged in an ugly way. Not that the man was ever much to look at to begin with.

~

Talks of officially forming a group were finally underway. The trainees that’d made it this far were all suddenly working harder than ever, desperately trying to outshine each other to prove they deserved one of the spots. HyunSuk was around more and more, watching each practice with calculated eyes, never missing a single misstep or cracked voice. Seunghyun was especially under scrutiny. Losing his Gwangju accent was an impossible task he hadn’t even thought about when he first joined. Being around the other Seoul natives helped, but it was easy to forget and let it slip when he sang.

It was HyunSuk’s biggest pet peeve for some reason. He seemed satisfied with Seunghyun’s dancing, but never let up on his criticisms of his voice. No matter how hard he worked, he could see HyunSuk mentally marking him down to be dropped from the company. The end of the month review was going to be the last one before he decided on the final lineup, and Seunghyun was dreading it.

Throughout a three day period, each trainee was called up to HyunSuk’s office to face him alone. No one knew what order they were being called in or who would be pulled away next. The ones that already had their reviews didn’t say anything about what happened in them. Most of the trainees had made friends with each other by now and didn’t want to be the reason anyone lost hope.

Halfway through the third day, Seunghyun still hadn’t been called. There was only one other trainee that was still waiting. The longer it took, the worse Seunghyun felt. He was certain he’d be called last and he was certain it was just to tell him to pack his things. HyunSuk had made his life a living hell the past few years, this was just one last jab at him- forcing him to wait through the anxiety of not knowing for three days, calling him up last just to spite him.

At nearly nine o’clock that night, Seunghyun was finally on the elevator riding up to the seventh floor. It’d been the longest day of his life and it was coming to an end in the worst possible way. His heart was pounding as the elevator let him out and he brought a hand up to knock on the CEO’s door. A voice called him in almost immediately and he hurried to compose himself. Like Jiyong hyung. The other trainee always faced every hardship with dignity, Seunghyun wished he could be like that instead of losing his temper over every little thing.

Inside the office, HyunSuk sat quietly at his desk, watching the fifteen year old with the same piercing gaze he always wore. Seunghyun tried not to let it get to him, resisting the urge to clench his jaw or ball up his fists. He sat across from HyunSuk, eyes cast down, just waiting for the insults to come raining down.

“Mm… Seunghyun-ah…” HyunSuk started, folding his hands on the desk in front of him. “I want to talk candidly with you for a moment.”

Here it comes. Seunghyun was already thinking of a million things to say to argue his right to stay.

“I want to ask you.” He let out another little hum, “I’ve interviewed every trainee over the past three days. I’ve watched every rehearsal the past two months. I’ve seen how all of your skills have grown, what your strengths and weaknesses are, who has the most chemistry with each other…”

_Just get it over with, quit making me suffer like this._

“But I can only see things as the boss. I don’t see what you’re like when you’re not trying to impress me.” HyunSuk tapped his fingertips against the desk. “I want to ask you. If the final lineup was up to you…. Who would you pick?”

Seunghyun looked up and met HyunSuk’s gaze, surprised by the question. Had he asked everyone this question? Why did the CEO care what he thought about the other trainees?

“Well… uh…” This felt like a test somehow. “If it were up to me… Jiyong Hyung-”

“Why?”

Seunghyun hesitated again. “Jiyong Hyung… He’s trained the longest. He has the most experience. He’s professional, he dances well, he raps well. He usually leads the practices and helps everyone else with whatever they’re struggling with.”

“Does he help you too?”

Seunghyun had never thought about it before. He kept a distance from the other trainees, never interacted with anyone unless he had to. It took him a few minutes to really think about it, strain his brain to think back to any time Jiyong had spoken to him. The realization was surprising. He never realized it, but Jiyong really was the only trainee that ever tried to help him. The others ignored him, watched in silence as Seunghyun struggled. Jiyong was different from everyone else- that was why Seunghyun liked him so much, even if he never showed it.

“Yeah. He helps me.” He nodded his head in agreement, meeting HyunSuk’s gaze again. “Jiyong helps everyone.”

HyunSuk nodded quietly. “Who else?”

“Youngbae… Besides Jiyong, he’s trained the longest. He sings well and dances even better.” The faces of the other trainees flashed through his brain, the pros and cons of each one working themselves out. “Daesung sings well too, better than anyone else. He’s been ready to debut for at least a year.”

Seunghyun paused, noticing that HyunSuk had been scribbling notes down on a pad of paper. Did he really care that much about what Seunghyun thought? Why?

“Anyone else?”

He thought hard about the remaining trainees. They were all talented, but most of them still had a ways to go before they could debut well. He also had to consider how they worked with each other, how they handled stress, whether or not they were someone fans would like.

“Seunghyun. The other one, the rapper. His dancing skills are poor, but he raps well and has a unique voice that would make the group’s sound diverse and interesting. And he’s tall and handsome, fans would like him.”

“Jiyong… Youngbae.... Daesung… and The Other Seunghyun…” HyunSuk tapped his pen against the paper, staring down at it thoughtfully. “A four person group. Two rappers, two vocalists. Are you counting Youngbae as a dancer?”

Seunghyun nodded.

“And there’s no one else you would add?” HyunSuk looked up at him again, his eyes urging Seunghyun to say what he knew the boy was desperate to say.

Seunghyun clenched his jaw tightly for a second before answering, “I would add myself.”

HyunSuk cracked an amused smile. “Of course you would. That would be anyone’s honest answer.”

The trainee let out a tiny, relieved sigh.

“So then one more question.” HyunSuk cocked his head to the side, staring holes into Seunghyun. “Do you honestly think you deserve to be added?”

Seunghyun gulped. He couldn’t tell if it was a genuine question or the start of HyunSuk finally telling him what a waste he was at YG. How he couldn’t cut it as a dancer, couldn’t cut it as a singer, couldn’t act professional, couldn’t follow the most simple of instructions. He stared back at HyunSuk, never breaking their eye contact, trying to find some hint behind the boss’s cold gaze.

“No.” He said finally, clenching his jaw again. He hated Yang HyunSuk. He hated him so much for every second of pain he’d put him through, only to force him to admit his shortcomings himself.

HyunSuk’s smile faltered. “But you’d still add yourself, over any of the other trainees, even though you don’t deserve it?”

God, what a miserable old bastard. “....Yes.”

The smile returned to HyunSuk’s face. He dropped the pen and leaned back in his chair to stretch. “You’re a funny kid, Seunghyun. You remind me of myself when I was your age.”

Seunghyun’s brow furrowed. “I do?”

The boss crossed his arms over his chest. “That’s why I’ve kept you on for so long. You’re not the most talented person here, but you’ve got the determination to keep working. That’s a trait you need to have to make it as a celebrity. The second you stop working because you think the future is set, that’s the second you lose everything. The others have the makings for idols fans will like. You have the makings for an idol investors will like.”

“Investors?” Now Seunghyun was really lost.

“There’s two ways artists make it as celebrities, Seunghyun. The first way is through their own hardwork and talent. Jiyong, Youngbae, Daesung… They have the necessary traits to take that path.” HyunSuk explained, his tone serious now, picking the pen back up and tapping it against the paper as he spoke. “The other way is through making investors happy, giving them a reason to risk their money on you.”

Seunghyun nodded slowly, trying to understand what the older man was trying to say.

“One of our investors has taken an interest in you, he wants to meet you.” HyunSuk cocked his head again, watching Seunghyun carefully. “If you’re serious about debuting no matter what, this is your chance. What do you think?”


	4. Roots Are The Foundation Of All Things

The file stared back at Seungri, taunting him with memories he thought were long buried. Sitting where he was now, after going through the things he’d gone through- the sacrifices he made back then led to nothing but regret. It was almost too much to bear all at once. Everything could have been avoided if he’d never made that decision- if it had never even been presented to him in the first place. Staring down at the face of this investor-turned-politician, he couldn’t believe how long it took to realize how evil Yang HyunSuk truly was.

It took all of his self-control not to force the entire file through the shredder. He tossed it back onto the desk and stood up, pulling his jacket back on and storming out of the room. His stomach churned painfully as he made his way down the hall. It was barely ten in the morning, hours before his shift was over, but he couldn’t bear to be in that cramped office a second longer. After wandering the halls aimlessly for a while, Seungri finally stopped at the east wing, weighing his options as he stared at the payphone in front of him.

Five months into his service and he hadn’t made a single phone call, made no contact with the outside world. He hadn’t even dared to try to talk to his parents. And yet the urge to pick up the phone pulled him closer. His hand hovered for a moment before pulling it off the hook, slowly bringing it up to his ear. The dial tone buzzed in his ear as Seungri stared at the keypad. Why was he even considering this? He had nothing to say to him, no reason to call, no reason to break his promise not to bother the man.

Taewon’s face flashed in his mind again. Seungri punched in the first three numbers. Why did that file make him need to talk to Jiyong so badly? He had no idea what things went on behind closed doors, and Seungri wasn’t about to tell him any time soon. Or ever. He pushed the next three numbers. His heart thudded painfully in his chest. The last four numbers and Seungri let his hand fall back to his side, waiting anxiously for Jiyong to answer.

“Hello?”

Seungri’s mouth had never felt so dry.

“Hello? Who is this?”

The words formed in his mouth but no sound escaped his throat. His eyes stung and blurred.

“.....Seungri?”

He squeezed his eyes shut. “I’m so sorry.”

“I thought so… You always call when I least expect it.” His voice was calm and soothing, pulling Seungri out of his memories and back to reality.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I keep doing this.”

“It’s fine. I know you wouldn’t call if it wasn’t important.”

How could Jiyong still be so kind to him after everything he’d done?

“It’s… not important, really. I’m supposed to be working.” Seungri paused, not sure what to say. After all, he didn’t really have a reason to call.

“It’s important to you. You don’t have to tell me what it is.” Jiyong paused, clearing his throat. The sound of a lighter clicked through the phone. “The year is ending soon. Have you applied for personal leave yet?”

“I wasn’t planning to.” He replied, surprised at how nonchalant Jiyong sounded. “I didn’t see a point.”

Jiyong hummed, “You’re not going to come see us?”

“I…” He didn’t know what to say. “I didn’t think any of you wanted me to.”

Jiyong laughed softly. “Right. I won’t lie, the others are still on the fence about talking to you. No one’s really mentioned it since you were acquitted, though.”

“I guess they think I bought my way out, right?”

“It was suggested at first… The videos of you coming out of the courthouse makes it seem otherwise.” Jiyong paused, smoking his cigarette between thoughts. “You really thought you were going to jail, huh?”

Seungri cracked a small smile. “How bad did I look?”

Jiyong laughed again, harder this time, “I’ve never seen you look so lost. It was pretty funny to see.”

The phone beeped, warning Seungri that he was running out of time.

“Listen, hyung… I’m glad to talk to you again. If you think it’s a good idea to come back, I’ll apply for my leave.” He licked his lips nervously.

“You should. The court may have acquitted you, but you still have to answer to the court of BigBang.” Jiyong laughed good-naturedly, “I’m gonna warn you though, Daesung’s gonna be the one to convince.”

“Daesung hyung? Really? I don’t think I’ve ever really seen him angry at me…” Seungri chewed on his lips, trying to imagine what Daesung is like when angry.

“Put your application in before it gets too late.”

“I will. My time’s about to run out. Thank you.” Seungri took a deep breath. “Really. Thank you for talking to me again.”

“You can pay me back for it later.”

After the call, Seungri was able to return to his desk. The wretched file was half strewn across his keyboard from when he threw it. Shoving all the papers back inside, he buried the thing beneath a pile of other files, decidedly deprioritizing Moon Taewon. That man had taken enough of his life, he wasn’t going to let him ruin his good mood from talking to Jiyong. Finishing his work for the day seemed easier, remembering how softly his hyung spoke to him, as if nothing had ever changed between them.

~

_[G-Yongie] Seungri’s coming back on leave in a couple of months. Are you guys ready to face him?  
[T.O.P.] Is it even possible to be ready for something like this  
[YB] You’ll know when you see him  
[T.O.P.] I hope so  
[D-Lite] I still think this is a bad idea. You said yourself he called you again, after saying he wouldn’t.  
[G-Yongie] It was important. Something was bothering him.  
[D-Lite] Something he wouldn’t even tell you?  
[YB] Seungri’s never talked about his feelings to us. I don’t think he knows how.  
[T.O.P.] How are we supposed to have this talk with him then.  
[G-Yongie] I’ll lead it, just show up with an open mind. Don’t show up just to attack.  
[D-Lite] Do you even know when he’s coming back yet?  
[G-Yongie] Beginning of December. _

Daesung threw his phone to the other side of the couch, leaning back and staring up at the ceiling. Jiyong’s compassion and patience were always his best features, it was what made him a good leader, why they all respected him so much. But how was Seungri deserving of that now? How far could he push them before Jiyong would finally admit he wasn’t worth saving.

It wasn’t just him though, Taeyang and Top weren’t mad either. Daesung couldn’t wrap his head around it. The court may not have found him guilty of criminal charges, but Seungri’s true colours had been wrung out and put on display. His connections to those people? Those chat rooms? It was disgusting, how could the others be so forgiving after learning about that? Daesung couldn’t imagine ever facing Seungri again, knowing what kind of company he’d been keeping all these years.

~  
After they went from trainees to BigBang, they thought Seungri would finally break his habit of being late. He definitely got better about it, but it seemed to just be an unfortunate part of his personality. Even when he managed to get out of bed at his first alarm, he still managed to be late somehow. After a while, no one cared anymore. They’d just start practice without him and pretend not to see when he snuck in twenty minutes late. Twenty minutes wasn’t a big deal, really.  
It was when he was an hour or more late. It was rare, but it was impossible to ignore. They were already halfway through blocking new choreography and Seungri was finally slipping through the practice room door, dropping his bag and awkwardly trying to find his place between the four other boys. GD and Taeyang exchanged glances, not sure what to do.

“We’re gonna have to start over so Seungri can learn his parts.” GD sighed, motioning for everyone to go back to their starting positions.

“I’m sorry.” Seungri replied, eyes still glued to the floor. “I was, uh-... It’s not important. I’m sorry for being late.”

“How do you show up late when you left the dorm at the same time as the rest of us?” GD folded his arms over his chest, “You said you were getting a drink, how long does that take?”

Seungri ran a hand over the back of his head, flattening his hair down. “I-”

“Seriously? Did you go back to the dorm and go back to sleep?” GD snapped, watching the boy try to fix the obvious bedhead.

“That’s not-” Seungri’s face turned red, his hands clenching into fists. “I ran into HyunSuk in the hall, you can ask him yourself!”

“And that held you up for an hour?” GD rolled his eyes. “Nevermind, we’ve already wasted enough time. Let’s just get started.”

Once lunchtime rolled around, GD dismissed everyone from the practice room. Taeyang, Daesung, and Top all hurried out excitedly, leaving GD and Seungri trailing behind. Seungri collected his bag from the floor, pointedly ignoring Jiyong hovering around him. He ignored him down the hall and ignored him while they waited for the elevator to open.

“Seungri-yah-”

“I already told you why I was late.” Seungri snapped, staring straight ahead with the same look he’d worn all practice.

“That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”GD watched Seungri with careful eyes, knowing how temperamental the kid could be.

“Then what? Am I slacking? Bringing the group down? Not committed enough?” Seungri met GD’s eyes with an icy stare.

GD hesitated, never having seen Seungri glare at him like that before. “I’m not here to lecture you.”

Seungri’s gaze softened ever-so-slightly.

“You seemed really distracted during practice, and it seemed like you were limping at times.” GD paused, watching Seungri’s face carefully. “If you hurt yourself, you should tell us. It’ll be worse if you keep-”

“I didn’t hurt myself,” Seungri turned his gaze back to the elevator doors as they finally opened and let them in.

GD followed him in, “Then…?”

“Then what?” Seungri snapped again, meeting the other’s eyes. “I didn’t hurt myself, I’m fine.”

“Ok, you’re not hurt…” GD rubbed the back of his neck. “You still seemed distracted-”

“Am I not allowed to have thoughts during practice?” The elevator opened and Seungri stepped off. “I told you, I ran into HyunSuk on the way to practice, I had things on my mind.”

GD’s shoulders slumped. He knew he wasn’t the best at reading people, but there’s no way he was that far off the mark. He was sure Seungri was upset about something during practice, and he really did seem hurt at times. Even after all the time the five of them have spent together lately, Seungri still didn’t trust any of them.

GD had to do something to make him feel like part of the group. He needed to put more effort into having a relationship with the younger boy. Nothing would get better, the group would never succeed, if Seungri kept living just outside the group. Taking a leap of faith, GD reached out and grabbed Seungri’s hand, interlacing their fingers together.

“Let’s eat together today, I won’t ask you any more questions.”

Seungri froze at the touch, every muscle in his body clenching. “You don’t need to hold my hand.”

GD stopped, shaken by Seungri’s reaction. “S-sorry.”

He released the other’s hand, his face growing hot.

“It’s fine, I just- I don’t really like people touching me.” Seungri cast his eyes back down to the floor, putting his hands in his pockets. “We can eat lunch together though.”

GD breathed a sigh of relief, letting Seungri lead the way from there.


	5. The Tragedy Of Times We Can Never Return To

The changing of the seasons had Seunghyun sick with anxiety, the icy winds serving as a physical reminder of his impending meeting with his hyungs. It didn’t seem so bad when Jiyong first convinced him to do it, but the closer it got to December, the more he felt like climbing out of his skin. He had no idea what to expect from when he saw the others. He already admitted to being a scumbag, what was there to talk about with them? Did he just need to prove he was genuinely sorry and a changed man? Or were they planning on interrogating him further?

The more he thought about it, the less he wanted to go. There was a thin line between things he could safely tell them and things he could not let them know about under any circumstances. He didn’t want to lie to them anymore, but if they dug too deep, what else could he do? Tell them what kind of person he really was, what disgusting things he’d done to be part of the group? Seungri shuttered at the thought of it.

On the last day of November, he stared down at the remaining files that stood between him and freedom for the next two weeks. He could barely remember getting through the stack, but he was relieved to finally be at the end. Normally his shifts dragged on for an eternity, but with the idea of going home tomorrow filling him with so much anxiety, his shift flew by for the first time all year. Before he knew it, he was reaching for the last file, a mere forty minutes left in his day.

Opening the file, Seunghyun’s heart leapt into his throat. He had completely forgotten that he’d hidden this file at the bottom of that endless stack. He couldn’t put it off any longer. It wasn’t going to disappear until he processed it, but that meant processing a lot more than he was ready for. The face at the top of the first page stared back at him like a ghost, begging to see Seungri crack. The universe was determined to make him remember his past in every agonizing detail.

~

Seunghyun had pretended he knew what HyunSuk was saying, but standing outside a top floor conference room had him wishing he’d asked for more details. All he knew was that he was meeting some investor and had to convince him he was worth debuting. It didn’t seem too hard. Except that Seunghyun was Not a charismatic person and getting people to like him was not in his skill set.

He knocked on the door, no plan in mind for how to get this guy to like him. The door opened and the trainee was ushered in by the man called Moon Taewon. The man was about a foot taller than Seunghyun, in his early forties (maybe a bit older, Seunghyun was bad at guessing peoples’ ages), and wore small circle-lense glasses low on his nose. He was dressed in a dark grey suit with a tie that didn’t lay flat at the top.

“Lee Seunghyun…” The man smiled as he said his name, guiding him into the room with one hand and closed the door behind them with the other. “I’m so happy you agreed to meet with me.”

Seunghyun looked up at him, his eyes straining in the dimly lit room. “I’m happy you wanted to meet with me.”

Seunghyun sounded awkward, unsure if that was how you respond to that kind of comment. It seemed to be ok though, since Taewon smiled wider. He brought a hand up to Seunghyun’s back again and guided him to the table to sit down. A glass of water was placed in front of him, which Seunghyun immediately focused on, feeling uncomfortable under the older man’s watchful gaze.

“This industry is hard.” Taewon sighed, “All the hoops you jump through for a future that isn’t guaranteed.”

Seunghyun brought the glass to his lips, his face twisting as the taste of alcohol filled his mouth. He resisted the urge to spit it back into the glass, suddenly very unsure about what was going on but not wanting to offend the man.

Taewon laughed warmly, reaching out to take Seunghyun’s hand in his own. “I want you to feel at ease. I’ve taken care of everything for you. After today, you won’t have to worry about your future, your debut is guaranteed.”

Seunghyun looked at the hand grasping his before slowly looking up to meet Taewon’s gaze. “It is?”

“Of course. Your roots are planted, we’re here to help you grow.” Taewon smiled warmly, giving Seunghyun’s hand a squeeze. “I’ve had my eyes on you for a while. I want to help you achieve your dreams.”

Taewon used his free hand to push the glass back up towards Seunghyun’s mouth, urging him to drink more. Seunghyun’s gut twisted painfully. He wanted to leave. Taewon was making him so uncomfortable. Was he intentionally trying to get Seunghyun drunk? Why? He knew it was common to drink during business meetings, but Taewon wasn’t drinking and Seunghyun was a minor.

“Not everyone can debut this way. It’s only for the strongest trainees. It takes guts.” Taewon stroked the top of Seunghyun’s hand, his eyes studying him from head to toe. “You have what it takes to face the hardships that come with being famous.”

“I don’t understand.” Seunghyun said hesitantly, “Debut what way?”

Taewon pushed the glass up again, finally releasing Seunghyun’s hand. He let out another soft sigh, watching contentedly as the boy drank more and more of the clear liquor. When the glass was empty and placed back on the table, Taewon cupped a hand against Seunghyun’s cheek, stroking it lightly.

“We’re exchanging favours.” Taewon explained finally. “I’ll help you debut, and you’ll help me…”

The man stood, grabbing Seunghyun’s arm gently and pulling him to his feet as well. Seunghyun’s heart was pounding in his chest as the man stood closer to him, his feet shuffling back, trying to put space between their bodies, only to be trapped in place by the table. The liquor had blurred his vision, numbed his lips and fingers, completely thrown off his balance. The room seemed to rock back and forth around him.

_After today, you won’t have to worry about your future, your debut is guaranteed._ Taewon’s words echoed in his mind, the only thought he was able to hold on to as the man guided him to turn around. He put his hands on the table, trying to keep his balance. Another guiding hand pushed his torso down until he was pressed against the top of the table. He squeezed his eyes shut and covered his face with one hand, trying to block out the world.

_After today, you won’t have to worry about your future, your debut is guaranteed._

~

The last page of the file disappeared beneath the blades of the shredder. Transcribed into the computer, reviewed, and pushed through, the case was finally done. Seungri slumped back in his chair, feeling spent. He looked up at the clock, a dull wave of relief falling over him as the numbers ticking back at him released him from the office. The computer powered down and the office lights turned off. Locking the door behind him, Seungri finally headed back to his room to pack the last of his things.

The night was spent tossing and turning on a rock hard bed. He missed his old bed. He wished he could look forward to sleeping on it for the next two weeks but it was collecting dust in his storage unit. If he’d known he wasn’t going to be rotting in prison, he wouldn’t have expired his lease. The idea of being able to relax in the comfort of his own home was so appealing after sharing a bunk with three other men for the past several months.

In the morning, he signed out and took a taxi to the hotel he’d be staying in for the next two weeks. He intentionally picked somewhere modest, not needing a million Dispatch articles reporting on what million dollar hotel he was relaxing at mid-service. He felt nervous enough as it was leaving the base at all. No matter how careful he’d be in the coming days, watching eyes would find Something to fault him for. Once he left the base, he didn’t remove his mask or dark sunglasses until he was safely hidden away in his hotel room.

Sinking into the bed, he turned his phone over in his hand. It’d been in a lockbox for the past nine months, contraband during active duty. Now that he had it back, he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to turn it on.

_“Seungri-yah…  
I received your text when you sent it. I wanted to think of the perfect reply, but…” _

The last notification he saw on his phone before disappearing into the training camp. He’d forgotten about it. It probably didn’t mean anything now, he’d talked to Jiyong several times on the phone since then. But curiosity convinced him to turn his phone back on and look.

As was expected, there were very few notifications waiting for him. No one had sent any messages to the BigBang groupchat after his. Jiyong’s text sat unread. A handful of other auto-reminders and notes popped up, but no one else had contacted him in the past ten months. He shrugged. Everyone he knew from before was either in jail or pretending they didn’t know him. Maybe at the end of his leave, he’d just throw the whole phone away. The only reason he even got it out of the lockbox was so he could coordinate his meetup with Jiyong and the others.

He considered calling right away to let Jiyong know where he was, but the text still gnawed at his curiosity. He opened the app and clicked Jiyong’s name, his heart racing in anticipation.

_"I wanted to think of the perfect reply, but we both know one doesn’t exist. I can tell you how disappointed I am, but it won’t be anything I haven’t already said to you. I’m not saying this is goodbye, but I need time to really think about this. I expected more from you, and it breaks my heart to see what business you were up to behind our backs.  
Please work hard in your service. Stay out of trouble. I don’t want to discuss this over text, and I know you don’t have much time before you arrive anyways. If the court acquits you, come visit on your personal leave." _

Seunghyun breathed out a stuttered breath, putting the phone face down on the bed beside him. At least he could say there was one thing he didn’t let Jiyong down on. He got through court and he’s been working hard at the base. He almost felt proud of himself for how much he’d done already. None of his past accomplishments meant anything, but the work he had now in the military was important, it had a real effect on people.

Seunghyun rolled off the bed and went to the window, pulling the curtains apart to peer down at the city. He used to think so highly of himself. Every important businessman and iconic celebrity, every lawyer and police chief he met with through his work, they were like winning achievements one after the next. Through the exchange of money alone, he thought he controlled the city. But looking out now, the city still ran on without him. Ten months without The Great Seungri changed absolutely nothing.

Or maybe things were better now. Maybe the best thing that ever came out of his life was shining his spotlight on the crimes transpiring around him. With his name attached to Burning Sun, that piece of hell was shut down. Corrupt police were brought to their knees. JoonYoung and his crew were rotting in jail now. Seunghyun wished he could be proud of that, but he didn’t blow the whistle. He was just oblivious enough to surround himself with criminals and stupid enough to get caught himself.

He let out a deep sigh and closed the curtains. Life was so much more complicated than he ever really understood. He thought he was controlling the chaos, but he was just a byproduct of it.


End file.
